Girl I don't care about how good you look. Impress me, show me a pay stub

Thursday, May 21, 2009 6 comments

I can't express or show more compassion about my utter disgust in some of the beautiful women in my city.

I vowed not to blog for a while, but this here deserves to have a word or two. Follow me slow, because theres a LOT of rants, raves, and jumped topics.

Q: "Why you look uninterested when you be looking at females?"

A: The fuck I need to goose over them? I have that in my cup.

Males, I'm talking to you because we fall victim more. Watch these females moves at the club. Went to K Street last night, and a girl walked up on me like "Oh, you're Greg, the funny guy that be buying us drinks".... Shawty.. know this. ONLY women I've ever buyed drinks for are women I've known from OUTside of the club, or I've fucked PRIOR. You broke club bitches can't just take a rum and coke and run. Oh nah, you want the Goose, the Patron, the Henny. Bout to start callin y'all the "Gimme Henny Loosey Gooseys".

I take pride in knowing some of the city's most beautiful women. HOWEVER, some of these women...not to bash you, but you bitches need jobs. I've been unemployed before. Cool, wonderful. HOWEVER, theres temp agencies, Dollar Generals, even McDonalds hiring. For the LIFE of me explain how you manage to make it to the club FOUR out of seven nights, be drunk 3 out of those 4, yet living off a non-existent salary? Them unemployment checks only last 8 months. You better save and find your ass a car so you can get out to Vienna for a job fair with your broke ass.

Had a female practically EYE fuck me. I'm talking bout them ", I'm looking, you should approach me cause I have the pussy, and you wanna hit it" looks. Won't front.. I would've fucked her, but I'm on the path of being a better man, so I've been taming my dick. So I approach her while we sitting on the couches. Conversation goes like so.

Her: So did you come alone? You not even drinking tonight?
Him: I'm quitting on Saturday. So I'll be drunk Friday. You should come out.
Her: I can do that. I should get my check Friday.
Him: Tru that. So where you work in the city?
Her: I'm currently in between jobs right now.
[at this point. I got the side eye. Peep the price tags...]

Prada Bag: EVERY bit of $3-5,000
Tiffany Bracelet and necklace $400 EASILY
Pegasus Stilettos [yeah, I'm HIP to you females fashions. Figure if I gotta fuck you, might as well know what you rock, right?]- $600
Dress: $2-300

So MAYBE she bought this outfit when she was working. This is what I thought myself. Then I thought bout it. It was $10.00 for females to get in here. Also, I've seen her BUY at least three drinks. Being a previous drinker.. I knew she had a lemonball, a Blue Motorcycle, Patron Margarita, and a Ciroc on the Rocks.

Needless to say.. That conversation aint last longer than a LITTLE bit.

So as I do from time to time, YES, I'll talk to females at the club. But before me and you even get down to exchanging contacts... I'm GOING to ask your ask FIVE.. yes...FIVE questions.

  1. Is this phone pre-paid? Fuck all that shit you talkin bout your ex boyfriend turned the phone you DID have on. I've had a prepaid phone before, and ONE thing I know ain't cool is a female with no minutes. I refuse to develop carpetunel for your broke ass.

  2. Job History: I aint concerned about how you like reggae. Lets talk about how many words you can type. Just in case your ass is out of a job.. I can recommend you to a few collegues of mine. What BAD can come out of that conversation?

  3. Location: You'd be surprised how many woman live out in like NOVA, Richmond and beyond... yet are in the city NIGHTLY to party. Times is too hard trying to party like a rockstar with only $3.90 worth of gas.

  4. Budget: Say I DO like you... I plan on going out. Sometime I'll pay, sometimes, your going to. Thats how I'm rocking. Ain't looking for a wife NO time soon, so don't promote that you don't want a man, but insist on going on dates. Your ass WILL have lint in your pockets fucking with me.

  5. Aspirations: Soon as you tell me you're moving to Atlanta because you tired of DC.. I know you lying. Period. Just be straight up and say you want to party until you're 30. Cause aint NOTHING in Georgia for you. Not a job, not a career. And King stopped production of magazines.. you AINT going to get acknowledged.

With these rules, females.. realize niggas like me AINT playing in 2009 and beyond. Buzz Lightyear syndrome like shit. Waste my time, ass have a Chinese name...

Won Gon.

When Keeping it REAL goes WRONG: Underage Fems & Alcohol= Doom

Friday, May 15, 2009 0 comments

First off, I ain't even gon pumpfake like shawty was'nt jie bad. So if she reads this... was jie bad for an under 21 jaint, but the liquor had you fucked up. Maybe you'd been better without the shit, but that jie turned me off. I'll run it down.

Went to Ultrabar last night. Jaint was packed. Like..packed. You KNOW the DJ rockin when white women crowd up around partying.

Teddy, you are gorgeous. I love me a light skinned woman, and you got it. Swear if you were a manequin, I'd undress you, put you in a window, and walk past you just to eye fuck you.

Paris & Alicia.. GOTS to be more careful. EASILY the nicest two women I've ever met. Alicia, aww yous so PURRRRDY!

Marcus.. drink nigga, you loafed. Got you on the next round.

[Speaking of white women..i booked one. So if your number ends *449...yeah, that was me. I'll have the Facebook photos up once my boy gets them off his camera] Oww.

Moving right along. EVERYBODY knows how I party. I will walk up on a fat woman, grab her, and get to work on her. But last night was jie different. [Paris, tell em]. I walked up on yet ANOTHER white joint, grabbed her waist.. and got to grinding. Then her friend wanted to join in. AYE.

White women, I love y'all ever so much for being so freaky and random. Big or small y'all could get it. Maybe.. let me think bout that.

But moving right along.. there was a BAD joint that I was dancing with. Don't know the name, dont know her age, but she had an X on her hand. And as my mans told me "easiest bait is the ones with the X's...". Cool. Went smack. Started dancing. Thats until she had one too many drinks.. [Pause for hell freezing over]

So.. Jaren tell me turn around, and SURELY enough, same girl is HOLSTERED in the air, getting freaked like a reggae groupie. So me, being the infamous person that I AM, I commist to pulling out the phone to snap one. But the fucking phone kept freezing [bitch]. So I'm slapping my phone trying to make it work, but blackberries have they own brains and shit, so I put the joint in my hand and kept rockin to the beat. HOWEVER... there was a white nigga going and pulling girls dresses up and snapping shots. He so happened to be standing next to me when he pulled up her jaints to expose her black booty shorts. She gets mad and goes HAM on me. Like real HAM. Grabs my phone, walks to the trash can and toss the joint in there.


You know you done fucked up right? So granted I was told to swing on her, but thats a woman, and I respect y'all. But THAT shit... nah. No passes. There was TWO feds standing right across the room... so I had three decisions.

  • Chris Breezy

  • Let it slide

It was one of them "Nigger Moments" from Boondocks. Like when Old Man Stinkminer stepped on dude shoes. I wouldve been WRONG to hit a female. I've done it before, but karmas a bitch, and I don't need Karma fucking up me getting pussy this summer. So I let shit ride. HOWEVER, Ashley did'nt. She wanted to go SMACK at shawty for bumping her. I couldnt let Ashley have that either. So I pretty much just saved myself and Ashley a court charge.

Otherwise, I walk up on her trying to get an aswer to the bitchassness. She points to the white dude and was like "wasn't it him taking the photos?".. At this point.. ME, Adrian, Darren, and E are looking at MY skin to see if I have Villiligo. Which I dont. So she mustve been fucked up. I will give her a pass.

So... Dear Under 21... Please, the next time you are drunk, know these things.

  • I am GOING to attempt to fuck you. Not because I need the pussy, but I figure beating your pussy up isn't a domestic abuse charge. I'll take that option, yes.

  • I will NOT dance with you all the way to the floor. Woke up to look at my Black shirt, not ONLY was the shirt NEW BALANCE GREY, but the joint smelt like elementary school erasers, and misfit hoodrat fumes. Basically saying WHOMEVER I danced with that night pussy smelt like a raccoon took a nap in her pubes, hibernated, had newborns, and left the nest. Dig? Dug.

When keeping it real goes wrong, this is all I have.

I'm going back home on lunch break to handle that *ahem* sexual matter I woke up with. Fuck a Chipotle. Have a good weekend.

Gear Grinders 5/13

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 3 comments

I tried to build on shit I've seen, heard, and whatnot. I've let y'all down blogwise quite frankly aint been shit to talk about. But I do have shit that's pissed me off. Or.. Grind my gears. Here goes.

  1. People who had to google Drake, trying to listen to all his mixtapes this week so when they show up to love Saturday in attempts to sing over dude.

  2. Ethiopian chicks that age quick. I love y'all. I really do, but you are 24 looking 47. Shit aint cute.

  3. Niggas who wear big ass cloudy chains and earrings to the club. Period for that matter. I'm going to need you to stop goign to the back of the XXL magazine to find your fashions. Cut it out boy boy.

  4. My blackberry when it freezes when I answer a call and the joint takes another 15 seconds. Shit aint cool.

  5. Females who have the concept of thinking like a man and that they want to be single forever. If you make that choice for're destined for doom. Ugh. Wood jie blow me.

  6. The Post Office raising the price of stamps to $.0.44 got me fucked up. I WILL be sending out emails from this point on.

  7. Bank of America's "Keep The Change" program. YOU took out money from MY account. Now I'm in negative. I ain't paying thr $35.

  8. Women with black sheep pussy hairs. You need to shave that shit. Aint no reason you take off your panties and your pubic hairs tuggin at the underwear. Dare to Nair.

  9. Females who stash their weed in their purse at the club then walk around the whole night smelling like skunk. You need a better ziploc bag. I aint dancing with you then walk around smelling like I aint showered in three days. I smell pretty fucking swell thank you, bitch.

  10. Fat women looking at the wrong bathing suits. LOOK... Hollister will NOT have your size. You need to just go to the beach wrapped in the towel the entire time. Seriously.

  11. Niggas who befriend you on Facebook as a result of seeing you talking to their chick. Cool, cool. Whatever. But dont message me asking how I know her. Adios, gotta go.

  12. Irish Bars [on occasion]: Some of y'all bartenders jie rude as fuck. I continue to go because I love the enviornment, but don't think cause I'm black I wont walk in there and just drink your Grey Goose. Thanks.

  13. Inconsistent Text Messages: Look.. I texted you at 8:00PM MONDAY. Its Wednesday, explain to me WHY you are hitting me with a reply now.

  14. Some Women on Twitter: With them small ass profile photos you think she has a chance of being cute. Until.. Well shit, you see a full image shot. Shit jie hideous.

  15. Chris Brown: You put panties on your head. Wait.. these Rihanna panties we talkin bout. Nevermind, you get a pass.

  16. Cassie: You need more tittie meat. Seriously trying to understand if you wear BRAS, or just wear infant wifebeaters. Thought you were the 6th member of B5 for a second bew bew.

  17. Co-Workers who ask shit they can do themselves. Look here.. Why you asking me to scan a document? Joint at YOUR desk.

  18. Women skipping birth control to get pregnant: LONG story. Watch "Lakeview Terrace and you'll understand.

  19. People who fart in crowds then move away asking "ugh, you smell that?".. Dog.. If you smelled it then SPOKE on it, you need to check your drawls.

  20. Red Lobster: Only giving out FOUR cheddar biscuits at a time now. Fuck all that. Gimme my six back.