Bad Vagina Blues

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Just like some women have them, we men too have them. I havent written about sex for a while in a blog, thanks to some particular women feeling like this is all I talk about. I'm just afraid that I might scare most with the shit that REALLY goes through my mind. [I.E. the Rules of Engagement Mike Gorick has about referal fees, and how European democracies are doing more for human rights than the US. But like I said before.. y'all arent ready for substance. So... this is what I give you.]

Few things I spoke to with a female, and one of my boys. We sat on the phone, and compiled a list of things we all hated. She had some things, we had some things. Majority of hers stemmed from "little dicks, big dicks that didnt know their use, musty balls, pubic hairs too long", you know... shit of that nature. So I came to the realization... shit, we might as well have a "Bad Vagina Blues" segment. Few comments I got:

Dude: "I hate whenme and a girl are in missionary, and her pubic hairs are brushing up against me. A little hair is cool, but if that shit has a pull to it, its GOT to go."

Had me stunned, because I'm like.. "okay, I know I'm a guy, and I dont think any self respecting dude should go and go BARE. Meaning they should shave all their pubes. Some females prefer it naked, but that shit itches. Tried it once trying to impress a girl, NOT a good look. Especially since I play ball too... Imagine a game of full court basketball without hair. Not a LOT of it, but a shade. [if that makes sense]. With that said.. Dudes.. the going bald down there.. Let the females go get the brazilians. I was contemplating getting one with the old flame a few months back when she went to get hers, just off moral support. But nah.

Why do they have feminine spray for the pussy, but they don't have deodorant for the nuts?

Yes I asked it. Granted, no mans nuts should smell THAT bad, but from what one girl tells me on Twitter, a dudes nuts have a salty taste. Yeah, even I jolted back at the statement. But she wasnt finished. "A dudes nuts are salty, but if he's my man I'll go down there. Only problem is he needs to shave"

  1. There is NO possible way to SAFELY trim, shave, or wax a sack of nuts. Period. The shit is not safe. Nicks and cuts are fierce. I've shed a tear before [same day I tried that shaving shit] trying to impress a female. Never again.

But... BACK to this Bad Vagina Blues because I got a little bit off topic.

One casualty of Bad Vagina Blues I can remember was Ms. Feminist. I'll call her that because she had this whole "Like me for who I am" type shit going on. So I did. We never got to truly "hang out" because majority of the time I partied once place, she partied another. So it just so happened either one of us would get a call from the other about quality time. The first time was cool. I went over, slept. The next time, she called me drunk, so I capitalized on the opportunity. Bad, but she got naked first. So after that, it because an instance of "we shouldve never happened because I care about you, [insert tangent here], and we should take our time.

Sweetheart, we fucked, we nutted, we smiled. Move on.

It wasnt a case of "blame it on the alcohol", however what you do while intoxicated is beyond my control. *Riley Voice from Boondocks* "I seen pussy I came. You seen pussy you ran". [ Not exactly the same words.. but hey.]

BVB #2- Women who must have sex to slow music ALL the time. Like the sex has to have a "Red Shoe Diaries" effect to it. I dont mind it. But if you aren't my girl, yet we do this from time to time because you know what you mean to me and vice versa...yeah. No Usher Raymond melodies. Its funny, I used to talk to this girl HEAVY, meaning like whereever I went, she did. Wholetime, it was like "oh we just friends", yet we fucked one night for so long we got in the house eating Mcdonalds Late Night Menu, and by time we finished, we stopped to get Steak Bagels.

Needless to say, she hit me with the "I want to do something different". So she goes and starts lighting candles, dimming lights, and putting Sade on shuffle on her ipod stereo. I'm looking around like "C'mon now.. this aint right". I got so used to ripping off her underwear, that the intimacy spectrum was void. So the sex felt different. Especially when people make slow jam playlists that are wack. I can keep a steady stroke through Gerald Levert and R. Kelly, but don't go making PLIES the next song. It will NOT go well.

These are just two of my Bad Vagina Blues. Bare with me.


  • MsTeTe

    LMAO! I consur on alot said in this post!..Good to know these things from a guys perspective tho..