When Keeping it REAL goes WRONG: Underage Fems & Alcohol= Doom

First off, I ain't even gon pumpfake like shawty was'nt jie bad. So if she reads this... yeah...you was jie bad for an under 21 jaint, but the liquor had you fucked up. Maybe you'd been better without the shit, but that jie turned me off. I'll run it down.


Went to Ultrabar last night. Jaint was packed. Like..packed. You KNOW the DJ rockin when white women crowd up around partying.

Teddy, you are gorgeous. I love me a light skinned woman, and you got it. Swear if you were a manequin, I'd undress you, put you in a window, and walk past you just to eye fuck you.

Paris & Alicia.. GOTS to be more careful. EASILY the nicest two women I've ever met. Alicia, aww yous so PURRRRDY!

Marcus.. drink nigga, you loafed. Got you on the next round.

[Speaking of white women..i booked one. So if your number ends *449...yeah, that was me. I'll have the Facebook photos up once my boy gets them off his camera] Oww.



Moving right along. EVERYBODY knows how I party. I will walk up on a fat woman, grab her, and get to work on her. But last night was jie different. [Paris, tell em]. I walked up on yet ANOTHER white joint, grabbed her waist.. and got to grinding. Then her friend wanted to join in. AYE.



White women, I love y'all ever so much for being so freaky and random. Big or small y'all could get it. Maybe.. let me think bout that.


But moving right along.. there was a BAD joint that I was dancing with. Don't know the name, dont know her age, but she had an X on her hand. And as my mans told me "easiest bait is the ones with the X's...". Cool. Went smack. Started dancing. Thats until she had one too many drinks.. [Pause for hell freezing over]


So.. Jaren tell me turn around, and SURELY enough, same girl is HOLSTERED in the air, getting freaked like a reggae groupie. So me, being the infamous person that I AM, I commist to pulling out the phone to snap one. But the fucking phone kept freezing [bitch]. So I'm slapping my phone trying to make it work, but blackberries have they own brains and shit, so I put the joint in my hand and kept rockin to the beat. HOWEVER... there was a white nigga going and pulling girls dresses up and snapping shots. He so happened to be standing next to me when he pulled up her jaints to expose her black booty shorts. She gets mad and goes HAM on me. Like real HAM. Grabs my phone, walks to the trash can and toss the joint in there.

Whooooooooooooosah.

You know you done fucked up right? So granted I was told to swing on her, but thats a woman, and I respect y'all. But THAT shit... nah. No passes. There was TWO feds standing right across the room... so I had three decisions.

• Chris Breezy


• Let it slide

It was one of them "Nigger Moments" from Boondocks. Like when Old Man Stinkminer stepped on dude shoes. I wouldve been WRONG to hit a female. I've done it before, but karmas a bitch, and I don't need Karma fucking up me getting pussy this summer. So I let shit ride. HOWEVER, Ashley did'nt. She wanted to go SMACK at shawty for bumping her. I couldnt let Ashley have that either. So I pretty much just saved myself and Ashley a court charge.

Otherwise, I walk up on her trying to get an aswer to the bitchassness. She points to the white dude and was like "wasn't it him taking the photos?".. At this point.. ME, Adrian, Darren, and E are looking at MY skin to see if I have Villiligo. Which I dont. So she mustve been fucked up. I will give her a pass.

So... Dear Under 21... Please, the next time you are drunk, know these things.

• I am GOING to attempt to fuck you. Not because I need the pussy, but I figure beating your pussy up isn't a domestic abuse charge. I'll take that option, yes.


• I will NOT dance with you all the way to the floor. Woke up to look at my Black shirt, not ONLY was the shirt NEW BALANCE GREY, but the joint smelt like elementary school erasers, and misfit hoodrat fumes. Basically saying WHOMEVER I danced with that night pussy smelt like a raccoon took a nap in her pubes, hibernated, had newborns, and left the nest. Dig? Dug.

When keeping it real goes wrong, this is all I have.

I'm going back home on lunch break to handle that *ahem* sexual matter I woke up with. Fuck a Chipotle. Have a good weekend.

Gear Grinders 5/13

I tried to build on shit I've seen, heard, and whatnot. I've let y'all down blogwise quite frankly aint been shit to talk about. But I do have shit that's pissed me off. Or.. Grind my gears. Here goes.

1. People who had to google Drake, trying to listen to all his mixtapes this week so when they show up to love Saturday in attempts to sing over dude.


2. Ethiopian chicks that age quick. I love y'all. I really do, but you are 24 looking 47. Shit aint cute.


3. Niggas who wear big ass cloudy chains and earrings to the club. Period for that matter. I'm going to need you to stop goign to the back of the XXL magazine to find your fashions. Cut it out boy boy.


4. My blackberry when it freezes when I answer a call and the joint takes another 15 seconds. Shit aint cool.


5. Females who have the concept of thinking like a man and that they want to be single forever. If you make that choice for yourself..you're destined for doom. Ugh. Wood jie blow me.


6. The Post Office raising the price of stamps to $.0.44 got me fucked up. I WILL be sending out emails from this point on.


7. Bank of America's "Keep The Change" program. YOU took out money from MY account. Now I'm in negative. I ain't paying thr $35.


8. Women with black sheep pussy hairs. You need to shave that shit. Aint no reason you take off your panties and your pubic hairs tuggin at the underwear. Dare to Nair.


9. Females who stash their weed in their purse at the club then walk around the whole night smelling like skunk. You need a better ziploc bag. I aint dancing with you then walk around smelling like I aint showered in three days. I smell pretty fucking swell thank you, bitch.


10. Fat women looking at the wrong bathing suits. LOOK... Hollister will NOT have your size. You need to just go to the beach wrapped in the towel the entire time. Seriously.


11. Niggas who befriend you on Facebook as a result of seeing you talking to their chick. Cool, cool. Whatever. But dont message me asking how I know her. Adios, gotta go.


12. Irish Bars [on occasion]: Some of y'all bartenders jie rude as fuck. I continue to go because I love the enviornment, but don't think cause I'm black I wont walk in there and just drink your Grey Goose. Thanks.


13. Inconsistent Text Messages: Look.. I texted you at 8:00PM MONDAY. Its Wednesday, explain to me WHY you are hitting me with a reply now.


14. Some Women on Twitter: With them small ass profile photos you think she has a chance of being cute. Until.. Well shit, you see a full image shot. Shit jie hideous.


15. Chris Brown: You put panties on your head. Wait.. these Rihanna panties we talkin bout. Nevermind, you get a pass.


16. Cassie: You need more tittie meat. Seriously trying to understand if you wear BRAS, or just wear infant wifebeaters. Thought you were the 6th member of B5 for a second bew bew.


17. Co-Workers who ask shit they can do themselves. Look here.. Why you asking me to scan a document? Joint at YOUR desk.


18. Women skipping birth control to get pregnant: LONG story. Watch "Lakeview Terrace and you'll understand.


19. People who fart in crowds then move away asking "ugh, you smell that?".. Dog.. If you smelled it then SPOKE on it, you need to check your drawls.


20. Red Lobster: Only giving out FOUR cheddar biscuits at a time now. Fuck all that. Gimme my six back.

Boundaries are for Squares. Open up your Inner Circle.

So, I was reading a blog on my favorite buddy's blog: "The Boundaries Blog"

Feel free to read that blog, because I have a reply to it. Fellas, I try to have y'all back, but at the sake of argument, some shit is fact, some is fiction. So our cards will be pulled. Read on"

First lets break down what "Talking to is".. in retrospect. A Mans version, and a WOMANS version of what she THINKS are his reasons. Granted if someone TELLS you they are trying to get to know you, its stationary they are attracted to you. What people, both male and female forget to realize is we have ENOUGH friends. At this point in MANY of our lifes, we know who we CAN and CANNOT consider to be a friend. I personally feel the term friend is thrown around to blanket the fact that we don't want the person to play any other role in our lifes.

Example: He trys to talk to you, you tell him you see him as a friend. He follows suit and allows you to see him as a friend, in return for a broken heart and a second best label.

Outcome: He will STILL continue to like you, regardless of the men you being attracted to coming in and out of your life. Legitamately, he wanted to get to know you for the woman he saw, not the woman you could become. <--Think women need to re-read that.

What SHE thinks about Getting to know YOU: 1) Exchanging numbers 2) Go out here or there once a week or every two 3) Light convo, likes an dislikes 4) Still figuring out what role they will play

What HE thinks about Getting to know YOU:

• Exchanging contacts


• Explaining his reasons for chosing you/liking you


• Taking you out to prove he's worthy of your time.


• Basic questions every man has asked you, that you're probably tired of re-itterating.


• Suming up what role hes applicable for.

What SHE thinks about Talking to you: 1) Talk to them DAILY or try too 2) Your spare time is OUR time!!!3) We're in LIKE next transition maybe L@??! 4) Where do we stand what's OUR future...do we have one? Could he be THE 1?

What HE thinks about Talking to you:

• He assumes talking to you means he is exclusive. He knows men are in and out of your life, but hes at a postion high enough he can't be replaced. [usually the vital point where dudes get comfortable and fuck up with inconsistency]


• Talk periodically on a DAILY basis. Dont call and talk for hours because you should know enough to form an idea of their personality.


• Knows your +'s and -'s.


• "Here We Stand" complex. Wanting for, but the feeling may not be residual.

I personally think its FUNNY when a woman thinks the reason a man talks to them is because of the things he stands to gain from talking to them. I talked to a girl that swore up and down that I wanted sex from her at all points of the day. So what she would do is dangle it in my face, meanwhile having me handcuffed so I couldnt grab it. I'm not sure if she was fucking someone else, personally didn't care, but I got to the point where me "getting to know her" was going nowhere but to the "friendship" bin. As a resource, I continues "getting to know" other women, and played the odds. To her dismay, she felt as if she was the only one could play that game, yet I was supposed to stick to her and just her..because she wasn't clear on what she wanted to become.

The thing some women do not understand, most men genuwinely want to get to know you for the minor things collectively to become something major. Its a 50/50 thing.

[Pardon me.. My co-worker came in acting as if I was supposed to help her. I'm blogging. Go thaddaway].... Moving right along. Ahem.

Women instantly get intimidated with the term "I'm trying to talk to you". When a man says these words, his intentions to her are crystal clear: hes trying to bun her, hes trying to fuck, or he's trying to be a mix of both.

So when a guy uses his own safety net as says "I'm trying to get to know you" it has more of a cushion for a woman, because she can take the ability to twist his words and twist them for her benefit. Which is decent because you should try to have the upper hand. Cool. So when he does show the LEAST amount of interest in whats between your thighs... Fellas, expect to hear "I thought you wanted to get to know me"

This is simply her way of saying "You can get to know me without spreading my legs". Wholetime she could be having sex with someone else that doesn't even know what classes she took this semester. [even IF that that was one of your "getting to know" question]

Men: When you tell a woman why you want her, tell her everything up front. If you met her, liked her attire and how it fit her, tell her. Shes heard shes pretty before. If she can't handle you being real with her and saying "Look, I like how you look physically, I dont know how smart you are, but in time I'm going to learn." She will take that better than you telling her "you like her because she seems like shes intriguing". 12 times out of ten she KNOWS that her body is vicious, and wore that attire to get the attention that you gave. Just so happens you SPOKE on it.

Women: When a man is honest to you. Accept or decline from the get go. Tell him "look, I'm not attracted to you, you seem like an individual worth knowing, but I have no intentions of showing you the same courtesy". Period. Its basic psychology. If you tell a person what they NEED to hear the first time, they cant be mad at the fact you went out of your way to show no interest. This also works when you decide you are going to show them even the SLIGHTEST signs of flirtation. Keep shit platonic from get go. ALL the overnight visitations, the undivided attentiveness.. makes men believe there is interest there. Show none, of make it clear from the 0:01 second you meet. Problem solved.

MEN: (again..Since women have pussies and hardly deal with rejection as much): Dont dwell off the fact you cant have her. And don't go out of your way to show that you can do better. Make a woman worth your time happy. Its better to continue "getting to know the woman your talking to", then re-reading the DATING INSTRUCTION MANUAL and starting from scratch in repetition.

Tis' All.

Single Women, Shut The Hell Up [Interesting Read]

Disclaimer, this was writen by a WOMAN. I didn't have a blog for today, so I figured I'd share this with the masses. Enjoy:

By Wendy Atterberry

(The Frisky) -- In a recent column on the Huffington Post, "Why I'm Single," writer Lea Lane lists all the reasons that she's still single. Why? So she can send the URL to all the nosy, possibly well-meaning busy-bodies who keep asking her why she isn't in a relationship.

Lane presents a persuasive case; it almost made me wish for the days I, too, had the whole bed to myself. She's one of what I'll call the "Happies," women who are perfectly content with their single status.

They don't want for a companion; they love their solitude and have enough friends, hobbies, and passions to keep themselves busy.

Although, most Happies, like Lane, are "open to options, and do understand the beauty and wonder -- and blessing -- of a good relationship," they neither actively seek one nor passively hope and pray one comes their way. The Happies say they don't need a relationship to be content, and, by God, they mean it.

On the other side of the single lady spectrum, you've got the "Crappies." They're the single ladies with really crappy attitudes. Take, for example, Jezebel's Megan Carpentier, who responded to Lane's column with a list of her own, a list that not only doesn't make me a little nostalgic for my single days, it makes me sort of, well, sad -- for her.

I'm sad for the Crappies, because, as much as they say, like Megan, "I've made my peace with being single because I don't have to pretend I don't drink from the carton or sleep with one of those face masks on or watch 'Murder She Wrote' too late at night," they're whining to everyone who will listen about how much it sucks that they can't find a guy who wants to date them.

They're so committed to not compromising, to not being flexible, to not stepping a centimeter outside their comfort zone, or, God forbid, turning off their guilty pleasure TV, they refuse to actually GO OUT, mingle, maybe even meet someone nice.

No, they'd rather stay in, whine, and have their friends write testimonials on their blogs about why they'd be so great to date.

In an attempt to hide their loneliness from themselves -- because they're sure not hiding it from anyone else -- the Crappies adopt an air of self-righteousness. "I'm probably alone because I dated when I wanted to," they tell themselves, "and got into relationships when I wanted to, and got out of them when I needed to."

As if people who aren't alone are a bunch of morons who got stuck in bad relationships that they never wanted to be in and don't have the strength to get out of. "I'm alone because I eschewed goal-oriented dating and 'trying to find someone,'" they brag.

Because, wow, there's nothing worse than actually being pro-active, particularly when the goal is happiness. That kind of stuff is for losers! That kind of stuff is for self-hating women who subscribe to "The Rules!" Except it isn't.

Ladies, if you're single and truly happy to be so, more power to you! There's no reason in the world you need to make a list or explain to anyone why you're not in a relationship.

But if you're a woman who is unhappily single and would love nothing more than having someone to share your life with, it's time to quit whining, stop making self-righteous excuses, turn off your TV, get out there, and meet people.

There's no shame in being goal-oriented and dating with purpose. There's no shame in opening your mind, being flexible, and learning to compromise. Spread the word you're on the market, tell your friends, tell your friends of friends, let your co-workers, family, and entire social network know you're looking for dates.

Take care of yourself, dress well, look good every time you go outside. Smile at people when you're out and about, make small talk in check-out lines, keep your radar up at all times. You never know when the right person for you will be rounding the next corner.

But bear in mind, YOU aren't perfect, and there's not going to be a perfect person for you. If you refuse to settle for anything less, you're going to be lonely for a very, very long time.

If you aren't prepared to open your mind a little, you might as well stay in with your "Murder She Wrote" and your crappy attitude. But, for the love of God, quit your whining. The rest of us don't

I Feel Like you Should Put Your Pussy On My Face

I feel as if you need to be listening to this song as you read this blog

birthday sex (demo) - jeremih

Song jie like snuck up on me like shit, however it pretty much describes how my summer will be. Now, I'm not supposed to talk about sex for a week, but I feel as if this one blog will suffice for the rest of the week, so I will go ahead and speak on it. The last time I had sex, was good sex. So when I heard this song, I pretty much imagined how I'm going to spend 90 days of the summer giving her impeccible dick. Now all summer I've been reading sex guides, and stragegies for things I should be doing to my sex partner. So she need be prepared. She being whomeever. [Interim..]

I measured my tongue over the weekend, 2.7 inches. Decent right?

Theres a good three women I've said I want to have sex with, one knows, the other two.. I want at the same time. Wild as shit, but I figure fuck it. This summer I'm determined to do the following:

• Have sex hanging off a balcony in broad daylight


• Have sex in front of a peer audience. Yeah, I've done it before, but I was like strategized yet discreet sex. Like those little booths in "Hostel" or whatever, but yeah..


• Have sex in the HOV lane.


• Have sex in one of those "Model" houses and shit. Ditch the tour guide and go into one of the vacant rooms and get real uncivilized. Then walk out like nothing happened.


• Have sex/oral pleasures in Transformers 2. Reason why: None, just sound good.

So a female asked me today via Twitter: "What makes me think my sex is so great".

Never said that. However, I do what I need to do when I need to do it. I am open to suggestions, I take hints, and do surveys. Aint no purpose in fucking someone knowing you can't please them. This is where text messages come into play.

Me: So how you want it done?

Her: However you going to give it to me.

Me: Thats great. So if I just decide I'll give you five deep strokes, pull
out and roll over you'd be mad. Specifics.

Her: Nah, I want it from the back, from the side, I want it ate, thats
mandatory.

Me: I guess I'll be the dominant one.

I ask simple questions, but it seems women get timid when you ask a flat out question. Now.. Granted if I said 'let me eat your pussy, arch over, let me get it that way".. I'd get a stare like "oh, forreal". Yeah, I'm serious. So when I get questioned like "what makes you so sure in bed".. Its the fact that I'm willing to either be the leader, or the follower. Some people just opt for one roll and stick to it. Sometimes I want to wake up to you straddling me. Great, make my AM better. Shit.. I wish I had that shit happening to ME sunday morning. [Yawn*...you know what it is] But the powers that be say.. yeah...

Also.. Moving right along. I have a lesbian friend Arekah, and she put it to me like this: "Its summertime, I'm tryna see some bitches summa time 2nite"

Shit, the WWF aint the ONLY ones that like to tag team. Dig? Dug.

Fin'

Now Taking Them Drake Apologies

Now granted, I tried to tole em. 2005 I was saying it. Fuck... I told em again in 2006. I let them have 2007 when they heard "Replacement Girl" because they saw Trey Songz and shit and figured it was the new hotness. Then In October 07 they heard Wayne going off his tracks, now EVERYBODY on dicks.

Just figured I'd go ahead and get them apologize for doubting me. Granted said the SAME shit about LUPE a few years back. Drake on the comeup faster than Lup' was.. so I KNOW people on dicks.

So yeah, I forgive y'all.

Ultrabar: Ugly Ladies Tryna Really Alter Being A RECK

Told yall I'd do it again. I SWEAR I aint go buy a rack of drinks and have an outrageous tab. I went and got the $3.00 specials. So by the fourth I was like John Legend...ready to go. Moving right along... Arekah...liquid leggings...my lordy. If you weren't so you I'd moufkiss you in public and hold your hand. Wee o wee....like a cop car. <---- yes I've been using this quote in normal conversation. So at first the jaunt was a meat fest. I found myself going to the bathroom just to get AWAY from the rest of the dudes. And the beginning flock of women. I definitely had the "no lord why me" look for a good hour point five.

Then seen a youngin....couldn't be a day over 19...had on some type fashions that must have malfunctioned so her back was all out. And she had an ass tat that lead up her back. Found myself going and saying "if you only had a band". I believe I said this to her.

I saw Ashley and her crew from Trinity U also. Looking just as good as yall wanna look. Oww. Ashley you jie got a trunk on you like a Dodge Caravan. Just round and rotund. Made a man want to pull up to your bumper and just tag you from the back. Your friend I was sitting next to the whole night...yeah..two thumbs. Khalid "holla at me baby"

Now...

• Niggas dappin each other from across the room. Bammas like shit. Like I understand yall boys and shit...cool. However....nigga......nigga....this is NOT the time to give them love everlasting daps. Hurting a nigga hand and shit. Come on now dude.
  

Glasses at night old. Fuck is your ass on, some espionage with a beat type blends? I understand yall need to be seen, I feel the same way. However unless you got xray vision...nigga you jie like look like BLANKMAN...out here cuffing broads. J5!

Came to my attention yall dudes out here wearing them Filas that are imitation Pradas. I guess it aint nothing to it but to do it. However I will say this...won't catch me rocking them thangs like. Got me fucked up like sex on the ceiling.

I aint tryna save dat gurlllllll......some females this dedicated to yall. I like to this some of the dudes are giving yall too much credit. Now granted I'm at LOVE a lot. So I know a bourgie female when I see one. However...aint NOTHING I've seen like the boogie HOODRAT joint last night. Now...aint no shane in my game. If you aint living a nightlife lie...I will tell you. So shawty walks up on me like "what you drinking on?" I tell her...then see the X on her hand. So I'm wondering where she getting a drink from since she asking. She proceeds to ask if I can buy her one. No, butch I don't like you and don't care to blink at you any further.

She pulls out a wad of ones and proceeds to hand me cash. Here's where the hoodrat comes out....her outfit. I don't know the broad to save my life but she had hoodrat tatted on her personality. She came to the club with a do rag on. Her heels were leaning...breath smelt like day old "what the fuck" and her cologne...yes cologne was that reminisces of bad weed and cheap hair products.

TOP THREE:!

"Can I get some coke" - White dude to me attempting to get some white broad hyped up off that shit. I dont fuck with that white girl.. NO FUEGO.

Why she standing there like her pussy airing out?- To some broad standin outside looking dumb

Hey there itty bitty bitches- TO the Asian women coming out the club

Honorable Mentions:

- I'm a hangover away from sleeping with you tonight.
- You do look familiar, wait, whats your name again? RIGHT!
- Yes, I'm the Pinnedherassdown dude off Facebook. Oh you could'nt tell? Check out my GOOD side!
- So this is a model call... your a model, take my number down, call me and remind me who you are, because I wont remember.
- Your top heavy, turn around. Oh...I see there IS work to be done. [lmao. fuck y'all that shit is FUNTY!]