"So, tell me something about yourself."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 6 comments


"So, tell me something about you".





Men and woman can agree they hate those words. Trying to get a new person means:



  • You have to reitterate the same statements over and over.

  • Fish for ideas that make you sound unique.

  • Try to be unbiased.


So I stayed up until 2AM trying to describe myself. I turned my phone off, ignored test messages, Twitter and Facebook. As a result, I'm going to continue to avoid them for a minute. No particular reason. Moving right along... the diplomatic description of me.



Im five foot eight, one hundred fifty pounds. I didn't pick my gene pool. An Aquarius, twenty two years old. My large black eyes are set against luminescent whites. Ebony face clean and body hair similarly maintained. I know my way around a dance floor but more comfortable on the outskirts or at the bar. For a wallet I prefer a cardholder; four cards and a folded-up twenty for emergencies. I don't cash carry.

Lately at the bar ill order a Grey Goose and tonic. Occasionally a Midori sour. I watch CNN and SPORTSCENTER every morning. Read USA Today three times a week, and the local paper every Sunday. At work I picked the most expensive health plan. I rather pay a little more for the best.

When I go out, it tends to be where I can milk my hookups. I've always been frugal, so ill continue to shop for deals and coupons. Sue me. Almost every weekend ill go and eat brunch, usually at Ulah Bistro. I eat out almost every night. Lately I've started appreciating wines in the middle of the palate...Chardonnay and pilot noirs.

Cardinals fan. I have no respect for the Bengals. Or the Eagles. I sprained my ankles three years ago bad playing ball. I like being well liked and am eager to please. Having a lot of friends and associates, wherever I seem to go, I run into one or more of them. Loyalty is the story of my life. Wouldn't die for the associates, but I digress.

My dream house has five bedrooms and four full baths. Brick Victorian. We can discuss square footage later.

I scoff at people who buy exact outfit off the mannequins. I'm always looking for ways to maximize my wardrobe, ways to recombine or recycle. On occasion some newer fashion ideas, with marriages of styles that I wouldn't normally consider. At work I wear Prada d'Homme. Outside of that either bottle Bianca picked out. Thanks you.

Marriage is down the line. I am however, a little tired of talking to multiple women at one time. I love women, and like to think its residual. (saying this matter-of-factly). I'm not God, I'm nowhere near perfection. I've done some dumb shit and I've hurt many that I've cared about, but for the most part I'm a good person, and I think people can sense it. I know how to make a woman feel safe, appreciated, and sexy. A woman who feels this way will do anything with you sexually because she is comfortable. Sometimes the women I've dated find themselves comfortable doing things they haven't done before or enjoying things that they hated doing with the previous dude.

Mom told me its never too late to do the right thing, so I am attempting to redeem myself. I'm determined to make the best out of every situation. When I go out with my folks, I'm going to have a good time. My philosophy has always been "money can buy you fashion, but it
can't buy you style.". As a result I ignore the ignorance in nightclubs.

I just like looking for myself. It helps when women notice too.

Still thing all I can talk about is sex?.. Bet you $ you aint even read all of this. It's cool though. It's off my chest now.

Wont You Wine For Me

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 1 comments
The problem with champagne is that we celebrate it, but we wont drink it.

Now, I used to be an alcoholic. I'm lying, but my kidnies could've told you different. So I stopped. So I quit alcohol. I'll have a cup every now and again, but thats about it. Lately I've been on a champagne binge.

We've all been taught that champagne is for celebrations. It is. But a good French champagne is a complex beverage, and when you see dudes in nightclubs using it like it shows self pity for their own pride, its actually quite disgusting. Hence why I don't drink Rose'. The company notices the sales, and start massely producing garbage. Like to this day, Grey Goose [vodka], doesnt taste the same it did 6,7 years ago when I first tasted it. Same with Ciroc. But back to champagne.

I know some women that go and drink wine by their bedsides. And 9 times out of 10 it puts them in the "mood". No, this isn't a reason for dudes to keep two bottles on chill by theres, but it is sort of a good thing to have a couple bottles. So, I decided to step out and buy myself a couple bottles just to go ahead. I even asked a co-worker how he felt about them since he has a wine cellar, and he put me onto some bottles that are so great, that you HAVE to buy by bulk. You can't get them at stores.
------- Just wanted to share that about my wine.

Bad Vagina Blues

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 1 comments

Just like some women have them, we men too have them. I havent written about sex for a while in a blog, thanks to some particular women feeling like this is all I talk about. I'm just afraid that I might scare most with the shit that REALLY goes through my mind. [I.E. the Rules of Engagement Mike Gorick has about referal fees, and how European democracies are doing more for human rights than the US. But like I said before.. y'all arent ready for substance. So... this is what I give you.]


Few things I spoke to with a female, and one of my boys. We sat on the phone, and compiled a list of things we all hated. She had some things, we had some things. Majority of hers stemmed from "little dicks, big dicks that didnt know their use, musty balls, pubic hairs too long", you know... shit of that nature. So I came to the realization... shit, we might as well have a "Bad Vagina Blues" segment. Few comments I got:


Dude: "I hate whenme and a girl are in missionary, and her pubic hairs are brushing up against me. A little hair is cool, but if that shit has a pull to it, its GOT to go."


Had me stunned, because I'm like.. "okay, I know I'm a guy, and I dont think any self respecting dude should go and go BARE. Meaning they should shave all their pubes. Some females prefer it naked, but that shit itches. Tried it once trying to impress a girl, NOT a good look. Especially since I play ball too... Imagine a game of full court basketball without hair. Not a LOT of it, but a shade. [if that makes sense]. With that said.. Dudes.. the going bald down there.. Let the females go get the brazilians. I was contemplating getting one with the old flame a few months back when she went to get hers, just off moral support. But nah.


Why do they have feminine spray for the pussy, but they don't have deodorant for the nuts?


Yes I asked it. Granted, no mans nuts should smell THAT bad, but from what one girl tells me on Twitter, a dudes nuts have a salty taste. Yeah, even I jolted back at the statement. But she wasnt finished. "A dudes nuts are salty, but if he's my man I'll go down there. Only problem is he needs to shave"



  1. There is NO possible way to SAFELY trim, shave, or wax a sack of nuts. Period. The shit is not safe. Nicks and cuts are fierce. I've shed a tear before [same day I tried that shaving shit] trying to impress a female. Never again.

But... BACK to this Bad Vagina Blues because I got a little bit off topic.


One casualty of Bad Vagina Blues I can remember was Ms. Feminist. I'll call her that because she had this whole "Like me for who I am" type shit going on. So I did. We never got to truly "hang out" because majority of the time I partied once place, she partied another. So it just so happened either one of us would get a call from the other about quality time. The first time was cool. I went over, slept. The next time, she called me drunk, so I capitalized on the opportunity. Bad, but she got naked first. So after that, it because an instance of "we shouldve never happened because I care about you, [insert tangent here], and we should take our time.


Sweetheart, we fucked, we nutted, we smiled. Move on.


It wasnt a case of "blame it on the alcohol", however what you do while intoxicated is beyond my control. *Riley Voice from Boondocks* "I seen pussy I came. You seen pussy you ran". [ Not exactly the same words.. but hey.]


BVB #2- Women who must have sex to slow music ALL the time. Like the sex has to have a "Red Shoe Diaries" effect to it. I dont mind it. But if you aren't my girl, yet we do this from time to time because you know what you mean to me and vice versa...yeah. No Usher Raymond melodies. Its funny, I used to talk to this girl HEAVY, meaning like whereever I went, she did. Wholetime, it was like "oh we just friends", yet we fucked one night for so long we got in the house eating Mcdonalds Late Night Menu, and by time we finished, we stopped to get Steak Bagels.


Needless to say, she hit me with the "I want to do something different". So she goes and starts lighting candles, dimming lights, and putting Sade on shuffle on her ipod stereo. I'm looking around like "C'mon now.. this aint right". I got so used to ripping off her underwear, that the intimacy spectrum was void. So the sex felt different. Especially when people make slow jam playlists that are wack. I can keep a steady stroke through Gerald Levert and R. Kelly, but don't go making PLIES the next song. It will NOT go well.


These are just two of my Bad Vagina Blues. Bare with me.


Straight Fuckin [1 Night Stands & Single Folks Sex Music]

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 1 comments

Now I made a playlist of SLOW JAMS for y'all. Those were strictly for those who are in love and want to please their partner, doing all the candlelight stuff. HOWEVER.. there are some of us who are single, but may or may not have a partner from time to time,t hat you are just knocking off with some good dick/pussy for the night. You CANNOT play songs like "K'Ci & JoJo's All My Life" with them. You must have some type of "intimacy without the passion" going with it. With that said... HERES the playlist. Enjoy. [Sorry, there is no Chris Brown on this playlist.] UPDATE: Neither is H-Town's "Knocking The Boots". That song will RUIN the mood. I have a replacement though.



  1. Trey Songz- Sex Fo Yo' Stereo

  2. The Dream- Put It Down

  3. Boyz II Men- Ooh Ahh

  4. Play N Skillz- Freaks

  5. Janet Jackson- I Get So Lonely [Remix]

  6. Changing Faces- Stroke You Up

  7. Maxi Priest- Close To You

  8. Ginuwine- Stingy

  9. D' Angelo- Brown Sugar

  10. Silk- Lose Control

  11. J. Holiday- Bed

  12. Jamie Foxx- Weekend Lover

  13. Total- Kissing You

  14. Twista- Get It Wet

  15. Pretty Willie- Sex In The Daytime

  16. Dream- Falsetto

  17. Xscape- Who Can I Run To

  18. Ne-yo- Say It

  19. Jon B. They Don't Know

  20. Trey Songz- In The Middle

  21. Mario- Directions

  22. Joe- Lets Stay Home Tonight

  23. R. Kelly- Tempo Slow

  24. Kelis- Goodbyes

  25. Lauryn Hill- Nothing Even Matters

  26. H- Town: They Like it Slow

  27. Usher- That's What it's made for

  28. Remy Shand- Take A Message

  29. Beyonce- What is it Gonna Be

  30. Anthony Hamilton- Pass Me Over

  31. Chante Moore- Love's Taken Over

  32. Fantasia- I nominate u

  33. Jagged Edge- Remedy

  34. Houston- Aint Nothing Wrong

Slow Jam Playlist Part One.

0 comments

Just a Playlist I've put together of a few of my Favorite Slow Jams for them intimate nights. [For those of y'all that have somebody]. This SHOULDNT be used on a one night stand. It will NOT have the same effect. Trust me. NO particular order. Even if you shuffle it.. It'll be good.



Maxwell- A Womans Work
112- Sweet Love
Usher- Can You Help Me
BLuelight- Sex is On My Mind
Boyz II Men- Ill Make Love To You
R. Kelly- Imagine That
Prince- Adore
Sada- Cherish
Tyrese- On Top of Me
Keith Sweat- Im Not Ready
Alicia Keys- Butterflies
Scarface- Fuck Faces
504 Boyz- I Can Tell
LSG- My Body
Jodeci- Freek'n You
Jeremih- Birthday Sex
Ne-yo- Say it
R. Kelly- Greatest Sex
Maxwell- Til The Cops Come Knocking
Dream- Sweat it Out
Destiny's Child- T Shirt
Toni Braxton- Spanish Guitar
Luther Vandross- If This World Were Mine
BabyFace- This is For The Cool
Tony Toni Tone- It Never Rains [In Southern California]
Carl Thomas- Thought You Should Know
D'Angelo- Higher
Erykah Badu- Rimshot
Jill Scott- Crown Royal
TLC- Red Light Special
Amel Larrieux- For Real
T-Pain- Blow Ya Mind
Ludacris Feat. Rapheal Saadiq- Splash Waterfalls [Acoustic]
Maxwell- Submerge
Silk- Silktime
Dru Hill- Beauty
Kem- I Can't Stop Loving You

The Roots- You Got Me

Musiq- Love

SWV- Rain

R. Kelly- Baby, Baby, Baby

Zapp & Roger- I wanna Be Your Man
Hi-Five: I like The Way [The Kissing Game]
Kevon Edmonds- 24/7

Robin THicke- U Center Me

Lionel Richie- Hello [Old heads]

Playa- Cheers To You

Art Of Noise- Moments in Love
Jamie Foxx- Weekend Lover

Jamie Foxx- Can I Take You Home

Jamie Foxx- Do What it Do

Bobby Brown- Rock Wit'cha

Immature- Please Don't Go

Bobby Valentino- Boyshorts

Lloyd- Streetlove

Jahiem- Straight Fucking

Usher- Nice & Slow [The LIVE one]

Mary J. Blige- Slow Down

Xscape- My Little Secret

I Dont Care If They Gave it in NAVIGATION, DONT GO THERE

Thursday, June 4, 2009 2 comments


Okay, retrograde is over, so hopefully life is treating you good, because its treating me swell. How you been? How your mama treating you? Thats good, wonderful... Making a short story shorter.. Onto the blog.




In the Past 30 days, I lost a female I had strong feelings for, gained a stalker, woke up in a bed that wasn't mine, went to PARK [I know, I know], Laughed at Lebron, broke a computer, an ipod, AND a cell phone, and planned a trip. Sounds amusing right? Great, because I'm not going to talk about NONE of that. I have motivation for other things.




Dear women who wear animal print anything. especially cougar like elderly women. STOP, I repeat STOP wearing leopard print leggings if you have some extra pounds on you. Sweetheart, KANGAROOS have pouches. Cheetahs don't. With that said the National Zoo is open SIX days a week. I suggest you get familiar.




Cruisinggggg along. You ever had sex so good that you woke up the next day trying to find the condom? Well I haven't. But I thought about it, and I'd like to have that. Sex so great that fuck... you might just go head and leave the condom on AFTER fucking. Just lay in your essence, wake up the next day and all the spermicide dry. [Paints a vivid picture don't it? Kodak Greggie. Oww.]




  • If I text you about what your doing tonight...Be clear, you aren't the only person I've texted saying this. It wasn't a MASS text.. I may have reworded it somehow.. But don't think I'm DEPENDENT on you getting back to me. Give a guppy a worm, and it'll bite. This is my world, you are in it. However, I'll launch your ass out into the galaxy in an instant. Be clear.


  • Pussy is just that.. pussy. I talk about it, great..wonderful. Fellas, stop priding it. Had a dude call me and say "man, I love her so much." Dude.. shes another mans girl. Which means shes ENTITLED to give you great pussy. But don't try your hand at handcuffing. It wont work.


SO.....I'm walking down the street the other day, and it dawned on me... I never look up. SO I started walking with my head looking forward... and might I say.. the World is an ugly fucking place. Have you ever just stepped back and LOOKED at shit..? ESPECIALLY in DC? I love my town.. I truly do.. BUT this place has some ugly sights. Its intriguing that HALF of the tourist that come here get shown the monument, the memorials, and even the CAPITOL.. but little do they know.. the hood is RIGHT behind it, two blocks over. Slumdogs forreal.



Anyway... a couple things that grind my gears:





  1. Fat women who insist on being skinny but refuse to use weight: Listen here lover, 2pac was a rapper. 2 stomachs wont help you go platinum. You dig?


  2. Skinny women wearing even skinnier clothes: Boo, I love you, I really do. You skinny women are so appealing. But I went to an all white [well beige since MOST people cant find all white clothing], and I swear I seen a group of 10 women that looked like they wrapped their whole body in band aids, put on some heels and said "fuck it".


  3. Dudes who brag about their dick: Now granted, I'm every bit of 5'8' and a smile, so I KNOW when I see a female out and about, if I approach her, she gives me the look like "Oh, he cant handle me". With that said.. I don't even go and say "girl, I'll break your back". That ain't my focus. It just kills me when dudes say one thing about they shit, then a female goes back and contracts it. I stand TRUE to my "Moist Satin Sheets" story though. Pictures don't lie.




Moving right along. I've been motivated to become a better man thanks to retrograde, so I've made some slight changes, a few mishaps, and have come to the decision on where I want to be in life. I was striving to be a OB/GYN, but I'm afraid that looking at pussy all day will stunt my sexual growth. So.. I'll stick with this law life for a while.

SIDENOTE: It was me that wrote in your honesty box. You know who you are. Now.. you have no reason to guess.

Oh.. Umm yeah.. Mcdonalds.. you and I arent friends. Let me explain without being graphic. I took the meanest shit ever thanks to a Honey Mustard Snack Wrap. So as a result, no more of that shit for me. FIVE GUYS too. You summsofbeeches food is so greasy, you can grease Cassies naked scalp with that shit. No fuego.

Fellas... This is OUR corner. Have a few tips and pointers for you.

  1. Its the summer. LIE to women. They seem to like being lied to. If they tell you they dont, its because they are mad they aint get to lie to you first.

LETS break down the term SUMMERTIME.

S- Sex. A lot of it.

U- Ultrabar [obviously where I'll be on many a nights. Even on international nights. I'm getting diverse out chere. Oww.]

M- Mothers. If shes single with kids.. first question you should ask is "Do you have a reliable babysitter. Fuck all that "I gotta make some calls."

M- See above.

E- Ectasy Pills: Dude asked me if I wanted to buy a couple of them at 24 a couple weeks back. Verbatim : "Bitchs do E out here son, gets em loose"...Well allllllright.

R- Relationships: People come home from school, and [new news to me], get back with their "at home boo". My boy hit me with this. "Yeah, youngin home from school, I'll bun her up til August." <---VITAL.

T- Tolerance- This heat and rain on and off shit... = LOW tolerance for it.

I- Independent Male Bashing Songs- Epiphany... Love Chrisette, but she has some of you women saying words you couldn't pronounce a month ago. Don't DARE say "I've had an Epiphany", then try to say "conversate". Dumb bitch, "I'll shoot you in your chest I'll WET CHA" *Steve Harvey Voice*

ME: If it aint bout that... fuck you. I think that should be printed on an Iron-on T-Shirt.

Fin. BITCH.

Girl I don't care about how good you look. Impress me, show me a pay stub

Thursday, May 21, 2009 6 comments

I can't express or show more compassion about my utter disgust in some of the beautiful women in my city.

I vowed not to blog for a while, but this here deserves to have a word or two. Follow me slow, because theres a LOT of rants, raves, and jumped topics.

Q: "Why you look uninterested when you be looking at females?"

A: The fuck I need to goose over them? I have that in my cup.

Males, I'm talking to you because we fall victim more. Watch these females moves at the club. Went to K Street last night, and a girl walked up on me like "Oh, you're Greg, the funny guy that be buying us drinks".... Shawty.. know this. ONLY women I've ever buyed drinks for are women I've known from OUTside of the club, or I've fucked PRIOR. You broke club bitches can't just take a rum and coke and run. Oh nah, you want the Goose, the Patron, the Henny. Bout to start callin y'all the "Gimme Henny Loosey Gooseys".

I take pride in knowing some of the city's most beautiful women. HOWEVER, some of these women...not to bash you, but you bitches need jobs. I've been unemployed before. Cool, wonderful. HOWEVER, theres temp agencies, Dollar Generals, even McDonalds hiring. For the LIFE of me explain how you manage to make it to the club FOUR out of seven nights, be drunk 3 out of those 4, yet living off a non-existent salary? Them unemployment checks only last 8 months. You better save and find your ass a car so you can get out to Vienna for a job fair with your broke ass.

Had a female practically EYE fuck me. I'm talking bout them "yeah..you, I'm looking, you should approach me cause I have the pussy, and you wanna hit it" looks. Won't front.. I would've fucked her, but I'm on the path of being a better man, so I've been taming my dick. So I approach her while we sitting on the couches. Conversation goes like so.

Her: So did you come alone? You not even drinking tonight?
Him: I'm quitting on Saturday. So I'll be drunk Friday. You should come out.
Her: I can do that. I should get my check Friday.
Him: Tru that. So where you work in the city?
Her: I'm currently in between jobs right now.
[at this point. I got the side eye. Peep the price tags...]

Prada Bag: EVERY bit of $3-5,000
Tiffany Bracelet and necklace $400 EASILY
Pegasus Stilettos [yeah, I'm HIP to you females fashions. Figure if I gotta fuck you, might as well know what you rock, right?]- $600
Dress: $2-300

So MAYBE she bought this outfit when she was working. This is what I thought myself. Then I thought bout it. It was $10.00 for females to get in here. Also, I've seen her BUY at least three drinks. Being a previous drinker.. I knew she had a lemonball, a Blue Motorcycle, Patron Margarita, and a Ciroc on the Rocks.

Needless to say.. That conversation aint last longer than a LITTLE bit.

So as I do from time to time, YES, I'll talk to females at the club. But before me and you even get down to exchanging contacts... I'm GOING to ask your ask FIVE.. yes...FIVE questions.



  1. Is this phone pre-paid? Fuck all that shit you talkin bout your ex boyfriend turned the phone you DID have on. I've had a prepaid phone before, and ONE thing I know ain't cool is a female with no minutes. I refuse to develop carpetunel for your broke ass.

  2. Job History: I aint concerned about how you like reggae. Lets talk about how many words you can type. Just in case your ass is out of a job.. I can recommend you to a few collegues of mine. What BAD can come out of that conversation?

  3. Location: You'd be surprised how many woman live out in like NOVA, Richmond and beyond... yet are in the city NIGHTLY to party. Times is too hard trying to party like a rockstar with only $3.90 worth of gas.

  4. Budget: Say I DO like you... I plan on going out. Sometime I'll pay, sometimes, your going to. Thats how I'm rocking. Ain't looking for a wife NO time soon, so don't promote that you don't want a man, but insist on going on dates. Your ass WILL have lint in your pockets fucking with me.

  5. Aspirations: Soon as you tell me you're moving to Atlanta because you tired of DC.. I know you lying. Period. Just be straight up and say you want to party until you're 30. Cause aint NOTHING in Georgia for you. Not a job, not a career. And King stopped production of magazines.. you AINT going to get acknowledged.

With these rules, females.. realize niggas like me AINT playing in 2009 and beyond. Buzz Lightyear syndrome like shit. Waste my time, ass have a Chinese name...



Won Gon.