Words better left unspoken: The End of My Late Night Headaches

Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Trey Songz had the Idea right with the "All the Ifs" track. Swear this man must be me reincarnated. He thinks like me, thoguht for thought. I HAVE to support dude on Saturday. Even if I cant make it, I'm going to bump a couple of his tracks. I digress... This song right here pretty much could sum up the note if you DONT want to read it. The women I find myself dealing with. All of this could be for each individually, or all collectively. By all means, if you feel like I'm talking to you, I am. Call or text me if you have any concern if its you. I'll be glad to tell you exactly what it is.

All The Ifs - Trey Songz

James Earl Jones once said “One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” Well that’s exactly how I felt when it came to her [CBS]. Many times during our conversations I found myself wanting to say things that just wouldn’t come out. Yes ME, I was at a lost for words around her. Many times I found myself blurting out something stupid like “I wonder why coupes can only fit two people” or “roaches bother the fuck out of me” only to kill myself 30 times on the inside for sounding so stupid. I tried to make her fall in love with me, and I failed miserably. Horribly. Miserably and horribly could be boyfriend and girlfriend the way I felt.

So, now she’s is my own personal tootsie roll nightmare, because everything I see looks like her or a woman who's simular to me. Every lyric of every song pertains to our situation. I sat down sipping a long island ice tea in a debate with myself more heated than anything, trying to convince myself that I did not care this woman. That this feeling that has been locked inside me since our first hoo-rah was nothing more than a poke on facebook from someone whose hasn't communicated in a while, as the words she typed entered my heart like the bullets shot through Biggie's passenger seat..

Speaking of Facebook, I just got a message from a female privately, we'll call her "Ivory" for the names sake, about breaking up on Facebook. One of the initial messages said “I’m mad at you for not caring about how I feel this evening.” Truer words have never been spoken, or typed in this case. The woman who has been so caring these last few months, is no longer the same woman she was last month or last week for that matter. This tends to be the case...often.

I don’t want to paint her as the villain though, because honestly I can’t blame her, not wanting me anymore. Who wants to be with a man with so many women wanting to experience him, or at least fascinating about experiencing him. For all she knows I could just be a hopeless romantic, with a fetish for sex and telling my experiences. Or I could just be a hibitual liar. I sure know I couldn’t handle that if it was the other way around. Now I don’t think I’m all that great, obviously she doesn’t either [seeing as though we cant come up with decent time spent], so I can’t blame her for not wanting anymore. I promised her I would never leave so I’ll always be available whenever she decides to call, email, text of leave a comment on Facebook/Myspace. It’s a promise I made to myself, and I plan on keeping this one.

I have a feeling in my chest which feels exactly like heartbreak, although I know my heart is not broken. Instead of drowning my pain in Blue Magic songs, or Anthony Hamilton’s “Hard to Breathe” or “I’m A Mess” I’m listening to other classics like “I’m Trying Girls Out” by The Persuaders and “Get Money” by the Notorious BIG. Indeed a mood maker.

So consider this my letter to break up with the idea of love, my official declaration that sex with emotions involved is not something I’m going to experience for a long time. Luckily I've carried myself in terms of sexual gratification, minus porn. Marriage just ain’t for me, y’all. Not yet. Luck Fove. It has only hurt me in the past and never has it been good to me.

However I never had received this from sexing a jump off or just getting into one of those it’s just sex relationships. Those seem to work just fine for me. Those don’t hurt as bad at the end. The women you want to settle down with, never want to settle down. The good ones whose conversation is like winning the lottery. You know when you call someone and you hear the smile in their voice, then suddenly your whole day is better? All of your problems are washed away and your words wrestle with her words in one of those wild conversations that leaves you with a new outlook on life? Then when you think about it, you’re back to feeling like crap. It’s the equivalent of getting head, and right when you’re about to bust, someone comes along and rip your arms out of their sockets and pulls your heart from your chest and steps on it. Yeah that’s how I feel, but don’t worry I’ll be okay.

If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.

[Please avoid hitting me up with the "aww I hope it gets better comments. I've come to terms with shit as such, and I'll be just fine where I'm at. I'm not looking for anything. Everything I need I have. Reserve your sympathy. I may need it later. Thanks.]