"Never Let A Man Hit the Bottom of your Vagina"

Sunday, January 11, 2009
This blog should be interesting. Now granted I wrote a status regarding "Whats the WORSE lie you've ever told the opposite sex?". let... the bulk of the replies came from so..

- The number of sex partners had & if the sex was good.
- "I'm on my period"
- "I'm a lesbian"

Obviously the ones that are typical. Understood. But one in particular was the one I was DYING for all of them to say.. And they did.

- "Size doesn't matter"

And I know PLENTY of women now. And all of them preach a sermon of how much they want a crave a big penis. And its crazy, because I've heard of women taking some extreme measures when it comes to finding a mans dick size. Like one girl I know gave me word that when shes freaking a dude at the club.. she goes and checks that first hand. So in reply to her I asked.. "So if your so consumed on his dick size, is the sex bad because your focus is on the actual thought of the size, or the fact that hes not putting forth enough effort to please you?"

Wait a minute.. Pause.. that was a fucking great quote right there. I think y'all need to print that on a t-shirt and sell it. I'll re-iterate.

"So if your so consumed on his dick size, is the sex bad because your focus is on the actual thought of the size, or the fact that hes not putting forth enough effort to please you?"

So as a female.. of course she hits me [Mr. Ass man] with this statement. "So why are men consumed on a female with a phat ass"

I couldn't answer with an elaborate response to try to confuse her, so I said the first original thing that came to mind. "A woman with a phat butt looks better from the back when you spread her ass like rumors". She laughed. I giggled, and we got off the topic.

I digress..Tiana [grown ass woman Tiana] said this:

"Size doesn't matter. I have had a dude with a smaller dick make me cum more times than a nigga with a big one. It's like guys with the big one think they ain't gotta put in work and the size handles it...hell nah! I need creativity. A guy with a smaller one will take that extra effort to prove that his shit is bomb or at least the ones I've encountered lol!"

Now it's funny when i hear a female say this, because I know plenty of male friends of mine that overcompensate for their dick game with women by words. I've had one of my guy friends that fucked a girl that I know seriously come to me explaining it like "yeah man, she came on my dick, she did this, she did that". So mind you... I could care less. Last thing I want to hear is about you..fucking one of my friends. I can handle it.. but like ugh. All I kept thinking was "Gonads and Strife". So her and I get to talking about what happened the night before. And conversation goes as so.

Mrs. Pretty Pussy: Greg, I hope you aren't offended about what went down last night.
Me: Not by a long shot. Y'all fucked right?
Mrs. Pretty Pussy: Yeah. I'm ashamed.
Me: Just shake it off. Think like I do. You got a nut, slept, woke up and developed amnesia.
Mrs. Pretty Pussy: Trust me. I wish I got a nut. I didn't even moan.
Me: Beg pardon?
Mrs. Pretty Pussy: Yeah. He came after 9 strokes. Got up and tried to go again and went limp. Told me to suck him off. Hes not my man
Me: Umm..yeah. May I please be excused to the quiet corner to laugh?
Mrs. Pretty Pussy: Why?
Me: Because he said he hit you from the back and you screamed out "ooh"
Mrs. Pretty Pussy: No no. I said "whoa". Because the condom popped, made him change it.
Me: Niggahs. hahahahahahaha. I'm going to bed.

And yes.. I have some VERY sexually driven posts and blogs, but yeah. I don't look down on my dick in shame either. I will probably be the only man on Earth to admit in a room of females that my dick don't reach my kneecap. I just wasn't built like that. My 5'8' frame can only do so much. So.. I've come to the conclusion even I... Mr. Greg. have to come to a female with a "Contractual Dick Agreement" and it goes like so.

"With all penetration proceeding to take place, I would just like to let you know.. somethings are beyond my control. I did not pass the NFL Combine, and I failed to make it to the WWF, so tossing you across the room, choking you until your lose oxygen, and anal sex are undeniable out of the question. This contract simply states that you understand exactly the terms and conditions put forth for you. If you choose to except however, everything else that takes account will be done. Falacio only happens with status. In the words of Anita Baker, I am "Giving you the best that I got." [Jigsaw voice] "Your choice. Live or die. "

Ahh. Feels so much better to say that. Now. On my behalf. The things I've lied about to females. Sad.. but there's particular things I can tell certain women. But there was one woman in particular I found myself HAVING to lie to. Now.. the scenario [rude as it sounds] is quite frankly.. I didnt want to be seen in public with her. Not for the fear of her being ugly... But because I know a LOT of "badder" women, and the fact that she had some of the best head I've ever had in my life, but she wasn't necessarily a "model". Sue me. So. The Conversation went as so:

Golden Lips: You want to go to the movies or something tonight?
Me: What do you want to see? [in my "why do I have to" tone]
Golden Lips: "A family that Preys together". I can check show times.
Me: I don't eem fuck with Tyler Perry, why cant we see something like Mama Mia or something?
Golden Lips: Mama who? I never heard of it.
Me: Be different.
Golden Lips: You just want to have me all alone, don't you?
Me: Precisely.

Now.. I can admit. to this.

  • She had impeccable oral sex. Movie theatre..no crowd... dark venue. Perfection.
  • WHY would I take anybody but my "MAIN" joint to a Tyler Perry movie. I wouldn't take you to a Will Smith movie, would I? No.

Rude, but I'm trying to be "in tune with my star fucking player".

Other examples of "Lies by me".

-"No, I didnt nut." [Whole time.. I did. I just developed a strategy of when I nut... flip her happy as over, start going down, bam..penis back on stiff-arm mode. Switch condoms. Slide in missionary. Never fails.
- "Yeah, I love the way you give head" <-- Could be true for some of them. But one girl couldnt do it to save her life. I called myself trying to help her our by tossing little hints to her. But you would think she would've got the picture after we watched a porno RIGHT before... and she didnt take notes. Come on. - "I wasnt looking at that girl". If you have to conclude that I was, then I was. Deal with it.
- "If I wanted to cheat, I wouldve left" This isnt necessarily a lie either.. But I had to put this in there. I hate when women have this thing for thinking that every female you flirt or converse with is potential for fucking. In some cases, yes. But if thats the case..you need to recharge your "badder bitch batteries", and get on your game. Women HATE to see a man they cant have. So if you have me.. they will want me. Dig? Dug.
- "Ill go all night". CLEARLY a lie. She shouldve known that. I have asthma honey. And Tia wont give me back my Asthma pump. Therefore I refuse to have my obituary saying I died trying to bust a nut. Sorry Charlie.
- "Your the last person I slept with" Self explanatory.

Example of some great sex that I DID have in 2008. Wont put everything out there. But I will say... She pretty much fucked me sober. Like we left the lounge.. I was under the influence. The sex had perfect timing, and hit the spot at the perfect time. It was one of those sexual experiences where you cover your eyes with your entire arm, just smiling and shit. So...Mrs. Wonderthighs.. I'd like to commend you on being one of my best sexual experiences of 2008. Surprise me with a text message offering penetration in a public place. That would make my Monday greater. [Biggie voice] BABY BAY BAY!

Whew. So.. Back to the topic at hang. Hopefully y'all have nothing else to do with your time today because the comments for this not should dictate how this blog comes out. What excuses have you heard or used against the opposite sex?

What is your take on the "size" matter for men?


  • Javonni Brustow Media Mogul

    LMAO I cannot believe I sat and read that whole thing. lol one of the goofiest nastiest posts ever. but i loved it haha